Faith

I’ve always considered myself to be a faithful person. I believe in God and I have always tried to live a godly life.

And then my daughter died. My daughter died unexpectedly in the care of another.

When I fell on that cold, nasty, hospital floor I asked God why. I begged him to bring her back, He didn’t. I pleaded with him to spare her life, He didn’t.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mad when God didn’t answer my prayers. I mean he’s God after all.

Just days after Emma passed away I found my husband reading daily devotionals. This was something I had never seen him do before. While most things are still a haze, I can specifically remember our conversation. I asked him, “Why are you all of a sudden reading scripture?” In his most serious voice, he responded, “I want to see our daughter again.”

Let that sink in for a minute. In the lowest of our lows, when I wanted to drown in my sorrow. My husband reminded me of faith.

Faith doesn’t mean that I have to understand why Emma Kelli passed when she did, it doesn’t mean that I have to agree with it. Faith means that I have to trust and lean on His word, and not my own interpretations.

My questions are still very much unanswered. I don’t know why out of all souls, EK’s was the chosen one. I don’t know how or why or even what happened leading up to her death. What I do know is that my faith tells me it doesn’t matter.

My faith means trusting in Him despite the circumstances or when it’s convenient for me.
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 

I have learned that God can use bad things for good. Acts of Kindness in Honor of Emma Kelli
Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

My faith lets me know that my life is not over.  
Colossians 3:23: Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.

My faith has reminded me to not blame or point fingers.
Genesis 50:19-20: But Joseph said to [his brothers who had sold him into slavery], “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

Having faith doesn’t mean that I don’t still wonder or worry, I do those things often. It means that I can rest assure knowing that He is in control. Having faith is a choice that brings me a sense of content-ness which certainly beats the alternative.

The best part of my faith is absolutely knowing that Emma Kelli is in heaven.

Prayerful and Present

~Kelli 

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My Daily Choice 

Two years ago I walked my daughter into daycare not knowing that it would be the last time. 

It was the last time I kissed my daughter, told her I loved her, and saw her alive. 

It was undoubtedly the worst day of my life. My world stopped, and I was certain that I would never breathe again. The day Emma died, part of me did too. 

My life was forever changed that day. I’m forever changed. 

I’ve been sad, mad, angry, and confused, and still am. 

During my grief then and now, I’ve had choices. I could choose to let grief take over and spend the rest of my life mad. Or, I could grieve, while continuing to move forward in my life. While there are days when one choice seems much easier than the other, I don’t want to let grief take over my life.

Everyday is a choice. For me, it’s a conscious decision to be happy. Being happy doesn’t mean that I don’t still get mad and angry, and feel confused. I can promise there are many times when I don’t even want to get out of bed. 

However, I choose to keep moving. I choose to not let my family experience another casualty.

Everyday I get out of bed I determine the outcome of my day. There are many times when I would much rather lay there and wallow in my sad story but when my world stopped, the rest of the world kept moving. 

I cannot let my grief keep me from being a wife, mother, or teacher or just myself in general.

Regardless of my grief, pain, or sadness, I have a choice. 

Today, I choose to be happy. I will undoubtedly cry and be sad but I refuse to let sadness consume me. I have experienced the worst of tragedies, yet I’m still living and breathing. 


Prayerful and Present 

-Kelli 

‘Tis the Season…

Last year was mine and Jacob’s first Christmas since our daughter, Emma (16 mos. 20 days) passed away. It was tough. We didn’t put up our family tree, just hers. No cookies or milk were laid out and we didn’t wake up to Santa’s gifts under our tree. 

This year, our family tree, along with Emma’s is decorated and lit, cookie dough has been bought, and Santa is getting ready to visit. 

Our hearts feel a little different this year. I’m happy to feel a little more jolly than bah-humbug this year, but our hearts still hurt. 

Our stockings are hung, but not all of them will be filled, Santa will come, however, he will only bring toys to 2 of our 3 children. 

This year we will visit family and again, pretend to be ok. When grace is said we will hold back tears when the part about loved ones passed is spoken. We will inevitably wonder what Emma would have asked for when we see the other children open their gifts. We will look forward to seeing our boys play, or in this stage, chew on the gifts they receive. 

The truth is, we will never have a Christmas with Emma again. As hard as it is to type, it’s even harder to believe. This is the second Christmas without her, the same number of Christmas’ with. Ultimately, the number of holidays without will far surpass the number of holidays we had with her. It’s logic, but it doesn’t make sense. 

This holiday season, I will be sad. But this holiday season, I will also be glad and rejoice knowing that my daughter is where all believers long to be. She’s in heaven. Although she went to dance and play among angels much too soon, she’s there. 

I have no worries about Emma Kelli. My heart can rest. My mind is at peace. My baby is safe in His arms. 

For anyone grieving a loss this holiday season, may you find peace in the memories you shared. 

This video was sent to me and I found the words to be relevant and true. 

https://youtu.be/Sjx9Wf-BuyQ
Merry Christmas

Prayerful and Present 

Kelli 




Turner Twins-3 months 

The twinks are 3 months old and time is flying by so quickly. In this past month so much has changed. Our family of four now calls Athens, America home! We live on 120 acres that our boys will make many memories on. Country living is all so new, and a little different than I’m used to. My favorite thing about our land and animals is that the boys will have experiences that are sure to make their childhood amazing! I look forward to these little country boys running around in boots and working with their daddy. 

For now, the boys are learning and growing and helping me and their daddy so much. 

To say these boys came when we needed them the most would be an understatement. Jake and Luke have brought us the type of happiness that only comes from being a parent. The type of happiness that we weren’t sure we’d ever experience again. Our hearts are full, broken, but full. We are grateful. 

Jake: This sweet cuddly boy is starting to “talk” to us and it’s enough to melt your heart. He’s can roll from his back to his stomach. He loves to sleep on his side and his getting so strong. Jake absolutely loves sitting up. He will sit in the recliner with daddy and watch football all day. Jake has big blue eyes that I am already a sucker for. Jake has started to sit in his bouncer and can hold his head up and play for about 20 minutes. (20 minutes of a content baby is a pretty big deal!) This boy is always so happy and rarely cries. (I just knocked on wood) Jake is always smiling and is just cool as a cucumber. (He has changed quite a bit from my first blog 😉) 


Luke-My sweet baby, Luke. This little brother is so squishy and snuggly. Luke would prefer to be held all day, and for the most part, he is. Luke is stating to get more hair and it might even be coming in darker. His blue eyes and full lips make him just so cute! This little guy is filling out and might even be chubby! He can pucker his lip out in a heartbeat that will make you give in every time. He is going to give me trouble later, I’m certain. I imagine Luke will be the brains of all the operations him and his brother get into. Luke is smiling and rolling over from his back to stomach. He loves his pacifier and cuddling. 

Loving these boys and our sweet family. 

Prayerful and Present

Kelli 

Turner Twins-2 Months

The boys are 2 months old today!

The past couple months have been pretty exciting. Jake and Luke are starting to make changes daily and are really developing cute little personalities.

They started their first day of daycare Monday, August 29th.

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The boys’ daycare is on the same campus that I teach on, which has been amazing. I visit the boys each day during my break. I’ve tried to limit my visit to a couple of minutes. I don’t want to be that crazy mom who spends her entire break in the daycare although I would if I could. I go long enough to say hi and give them a kiss. It’s been such a relief knowing that my babes are just down the hall.

Jake:

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My sweet baby Jake! He has the prettiest, blue eyes! With those blue eyes and dark hair, he’s such a cutie. He is perfectly content laying on the floor playing or just looking at the ceiling fan and light. He is starting to make cooing noises and smiling which absolutely melts my heart! He still looks like his big sister and gets wound up quickly like Emma did. He loves to lay on mine and Jacob’s chest and nap. He rolled over from back to stomach at daycare and he holds his head up all the time. He’s growing and progressing beautifully. He’s our little buddy and we love him so very much!

Luke:

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Luke-e-bear! This boy right here is so sweet. His once long, slender face has now become more full and chubby! He is growing and gaining weight like crazy. Luke wants to be held all the time, he doesn’t care who holds him, he just doesn’t want to be put down. His hair is starting to get a bit darker now. Luke can smile and roll over. When he gets up upset he knows how to pucker out his bottom lip enough to make you just want to cry! Luke has a sweet personality and is loved so very much!

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The boys keep me so busy that lately I find myself being more forgetful! We definitely have our hands full in the Turner house and everything is a team effort! We are loving our time with the boys and can’t wait to see what milestones they will accomplish next!

 

Prayerful and Present

-Kelli

Turner Twins 1 month 

My sweet boys are 1 month old today! 

The boys were given those cute little monthly stickers that you use in photos. I decided yesterday that I would take their pictures and was quickly reminded of why we pay people to take baby photos. 

Despite the lack of cooperation from the boys I was able to get some super cute one-month pictures of them. 


Jake:  this preemie is now a whopping 9 pounds! He looks just like his daddy in acts like his sister. He loves to snuggle and wants to constantly be held. When he’s hungry he can go from 0 to 60 in about five seconds. (just like his big sister) He’s got olive skin, blue eyes, and thick, dark hair. He’s so handsome that it makes me forget or even care that his scream is loud and strong. Poor baby gets the hiccups just about every time he eats but doesn’t seem to care. Every once in a while I’ll look at him and see his sister. He’s my reminder that she is always here. He’s got mommy and daddy wrapped around his finger and loved so very much. 


Luke: this guy right here is the most brave little boy I know. This NICU baby has been through so much and you never would have known by his “cool as a cucumber” personality. Luke is more laid back and does things on his own time. He loves to grip mommy and daddy’s finger when he eats, make silly faces, and sleep! He’s got light hair, blue eyes and a pink, white boy complexion. He’s strong and I predict he will be a leader some day! We love our little Lukey Pookie Bear so very much! 


As for me, for the first time in 18 months I’ve gotten to be someone’s provider, their comfort, I’ve gotten to be a mom again. After Emma passed away, Jacob and I weren’t sure if we’d be parents again, we just knew we wanted to be. On July 4th, God answered our prayers! In the months leading up to their birth I tried to prepare myself for what delivery might bring emotionally. I was nervous that my boys’ birth would be a reminder of Emma’s birth and be too emotional for me. And just as I expected, their birth was an absolute reminder of Emma’s birth. However, the emotions were different than I had feared. Seeing my boys and thinking of my daughter was a sweet reminder of the first time that I held Emma and became a mom. I never expected the arrival of these boys to wash away the grief of losing my daughter. I’ve said many times that I never want to stop grieving the death of Emma. My grief and pain from the loss of my child is just as strong today as it was 31 days ago. These boys haven’t made me stop remembering or grieving for Emma, and I’m thankful that they haven’t. Jacob and I find ourselves saying things like “remember when Emma did this,” or “he looks/acts just like his sister.” I have no doubt that God knew exactly what he was doing when he made sweet baby Jake resemble his sister or when he gave Luke his sister’s nose and mouth. 

I have a dropped to my knees and thanked Him for giving us these two sweet, cuddly little boys. These boys are our rainbow babies. They have reminded us that there can be beauty after the storm.
Prayerful and Present 

-Kelli 

 

Bringing home the Turner Twins!

On July 4, 2016 Jacob and I proudly welcomed our little Turner Twins! 

Jake Cravey Turner 

Born at 5:44 pm, weighing 6 lbs., 10 ounces, and measuring 19 3/4 inches long. He has a head full of dark brown hair and looks like his daddy! 

Luke Harvey Turner 

Born second at 5:46 pm, weighing 6 lbs., 3 ounces, and measuring 19 1/4 inches long.  He has light hair and the perfect pink skin! 

They are absolutely perfect. The moment I saw them, I was in love. I was a mom, again. I was blessed with two perfect little boys. 

Of course my mind went to Emma. I was reminded of how I felt when I first met her. How I immediately fell in love then, too. 

Without the loss of Emma, these babes simply would not exist. My heart longs for my Emma Kelli but my heart also adores Jake and Luke. 

It’s been fun to watch these boys and to be reminded of Emma. Jake looks like her and Luke has her personality. Emma is living through them. 

Jake and Luke are our rainbow babies. 


We continue to give thanks to Him because we prayed for these babies and He granted the desires of our hearts! 

Thank you for all messages, phones calls and texts. These boys are so loved by so many.

Prayerful and Presnt 

-Kelli